THE SECRETS TO STEPFAMILY SUCCESS

Revolutionary Tools to Create a Blended Family of Support and Respect.
by Gloria Lintermans

 

Table of Contents:

 

• INTRODUCTION
• CHILDREN LEARN WHAT THEY LIVE by Dorothy Law Nolte
• TABLE OF CONTENTS
• TRUE STORY
• "ON CHILDREN" by Kahlil Gibran
• "CO-PARENTS" DEFINED

 

PART ONE: STEPFAMILY PREPARATION

 

CHAPTER ONE: The Reasons for Widespread Stepfamily Stress and
Re-divorce

 

• Why Most Stepfamilies Fail
• Why Do Some Stepfamilies Survive
• The Parents
• Beyond the Obvious
• The Dependent Kids

 

CHAPTER TWO: Assess for Psychological Wounds, and Begin Personal Healing

 

• Nina and Tom
• Traits of a Healthy Family or Relationship: The Keys to Success
• Common Emotional Wounds & Their Symptoms
• The Challenge

 

CHAPTER THREE: Learn Healthy Grieving Basics, and Check for Incomplete Grief

 

• Sample Good Grief Policy
• Why This Chapter?
• Losses Happen Naturally Over Time
• Our Losses are Physical and Invisible
• Losses Happen In Different Ways
• The Impact of Losses Can Accumulate
• People Experience Losses Differently
• Endings Always Create Beginnings
• What Is "Grieving"?
• Requisites for Healthy Mourning
• Symptoms of Blocked Grieving
• Steps to GOOD Stepfamily Grief
• A SAMPLE STEPFAMILY GRIEVING POLICY

 

CHAPTER FOUR: Make Three Wise Dating Decisions

 

• Co-Creating a Healthy Remarriage: Meet Our Guides
• What Is "Marriage"?
• What is a "Successful" Marriage?
• Why Marry?
• Understanding Your Unconscious Needs
• Is Stepfamily Remarriage Different?
• Making Three Wise Pre-Remarriage Choices: Romantic Distortions
• Remarrying the Right People
• Remarrying at the Right Time
• Remarrying for the Right Reasons
• Pre-Remarriage Danger Signs
• Improving Your Odds BEFORE You Remarry

 

PART TWO: STEPFAMILY REALITIES

 

CHAPTER FIVE: Replace Stepfamily Myths with Realistic Expectations

 

• Learning, Teaching, and Applying Stepfamily Realities
• COMPARING STEPFAMILIES AND BIOLOGICAL FAMILIES

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

• Adoption Options
• Average Stepfamilies versus Intact Biological Families: Differences Chart

 

CHAPTER SIX: Accept Your Stepfamily Identity and What It Means

 

CHAPTER EIGHT: Negotiate a Stepfamily Mission Statement & Adult's Job (Role) DescriptionKeeping clear on your goals.

• Stepfamily - Biological Family Similarities
• Stepfamily - Biological Family Differences

• Ex-Mate(s) Challenges
• Childhood Wounds Resurface
• Loyalty Issues
• Love vs. Respect
• Discipline
• Financial Issues
• Legal Issues
• Incomplete Grief
• Idealism & Guilt

• Steps and Suggestions

• Stepfamily Structural Maps

• Premise, Steps, and Suggestions

• Child Visitation
• Child Support Times
• Celebrations and Conflicts
• Using Your Structural Maps

 

CHAPTER SEVEN: Learn How to Do Win-Win Problem Solving, and Teach Your Kids

 

• The Five Effective Communication Skills

• One: "Process Awareness"
• Two: "Metatalk"
• Three: Empathic Listening
• Four: Assertion
• Five: Problem-solving

• Example: Stepfamily Loyalty Conflict

CHAPTER EIGHT: Negotiate a Stepfamily Mission Statement & Adult's Job (Role) Description

 

• Family Roles and Rules
• Family Mission Statements

 

1. Priorities, Values, and Knowledge
2. The Document Itself
3. Using Your Mission Statement

• Ongoing Recommendations for Using Your Mission Statement
• Stepfamily Job Descriptions

• Why Bother?

• Sample Stepfather Job Description

PART THREE: MERGE AND EVOLVE AN EFFECTIVE TEAM OF STEPFAMILY ADULTS

 

CHAPTER NINE: Forge a Flourishing Remarriage and Keep it Second

 

• A Personal Bill of Rights
• Typical Ongoing Primary Marital Needs
• Relationship "Boundaries"

• What Are Relationship "Boundaries"?
• Why Are Boundaries Important?
• Boundary Conflicts and Violations
• Healthy and Toxic Boundaries
• Enmeshment: Too Few Boundaries
• Typical Boundary Conflicts
• Typical Boundary Violations
• Violations Between People

• Resolution Options

CHAPTER TEN: Merge and Stabilize Your Stepfamily Adults' Biological Families, and Resolve Many Conflicts

 

• THE MERGER: How It Starts
• What Do You Merge?
• What to Expect as You Merge
• Evolve a Merger Plan Together, Early
• PERSECUTOR-VICTIM-RESCUER RELATIONSHIP TRIANGLES

 

• What's Wrong With Triangles?
• What Can We Do About Our Triangles?

• LOYALTY CONFLICTS

• Forced Priority Choices
• Mastering Loyalty Conflicts Together
• Resolving Loyalty Conflicts: Choices

CHAPTER ELEVEN: Help Each Other Learn to Nurture Effectively & Grow Stepparent-Stepchild Respect and Trust, Over Time

 

• TMEMOS FROM AND ABOUT YOUR STEPCHILD by Peter K. Gerlach, M.S.W.
• Stepfamily Healing & Adjustment Needs
• Explore and Reduce the Basic Problems
• What Does This Mean?
• Improve Stepparent - Stepchild Trust
• Grow Stepparent - Stepchild Respect

 

CHAPTER TWELVE: Effective Child Discipline in Stepfamilies

 

• What is "Child Discipline"?
• Why is Child Discipline Important?
• What Is Effective Child Discipline?
• 23 Differences About Stepfamily Child Discipline
• Why Child Discipline Can Be A Big Marital Problem
• Guidelines for Effective Stepfamily Child Discipline

• General Child-Discipline Guidelines
• Guidelines for Stepfamily Child Discipline

• Co-managing Discipline Values-Conflicts
• Guidelines for Effective Child Discipline in Multi-home Stepfamilies

 

PART FOUR: SUPPORT YOURSELVES

 

CHAPTER THIRTEEN: Evolve and Use a Stepfamily Support Network Together

 

• What is support?

1. Need to vent.
2. Need to feel validated.
3. Need to learn.
4. Need to socialize and help others.
5. Need to grow hope.

Making an Effective Mission Statement

• Starting a support group.
• Planning the first meeting.
• The second meeting - organize.
• Keeping Your Group Thriving

• Keeping clear on your goals.
• Screening New People
• Meeting Content Suggestions

• Group "Problem Solving"

• Using a "phone-tree."