THE HEALING POWER OF GRIEF 
The Journey Through Loss to Love and Laughter

By Gloria Lintermans & Marilyn Stolzman, Ph.D., L.M.F.T.

As the saying goes, there are only two things unavoidable in life: taxes and dying. Along with dying there is, more often than not, a spouse or life-partner left to grieve. These bereft partners are our concern. Why are some able to heal and eventually experience a fulfilling new life, while others wither emotionally, spiritually, and even physically, never fully recovering from their loss? When losing a spouse is so common, why do we need a blueprint to overcome our suffering and eventually, achieve healing? Why is healthy mourning, as opposed to a prolonged state of emotional denial important in creating a rewarding new life?

Facing such a loss head on is difficult because loving is all-encompassing. Love took most of our emotional energy as we embraced that other person. We cared that they were fulfilled and well. We wanted to protect them and make them happy. We were devoted, so much so, that losing this loved one, felt crippling. And so, when they are gone, we need to learn how to transform this energy into something positive. Not a “substitute,” but a conversion, from a “we” to an “I.” Not in a selfish manner, but as a way of refocusing, we ask “How do I live my life in a positive way without you … not losing the memory and loving feelings of you, but incorporating them and going on. What tools can I find? How do I learn to heal in a way that's positive and energizing instead of depleting?”

This book, by Gloria Lintermans, a respected writer and widow, and by Dr. Marilyn Stolzman, a psychotherapist specializing in grief counseling, addresses such questions. Within these pages is a blueprint created by Dr. Stolzman and the Los Angeles-based bereavement support group H.O.P.E. Unit Foundation for Bereavement and Transition. This support organization has served the community since the 1970s and was fundamental to the blueprint designed to help you to face your loss, mourn, and eventually, heal.

Together, we share our experiences as we take you gently by the hand to give you comfort and direction during this confusing and painful time. It has been shown that the only way to arrive at a healthy, healed integration, adjustment and transition is by going through the shock, denial, envy, anger, depression and guilt such loss predictably inspires.

Unlike any other book, ours leads you through the Time Sequences of Grief chapter-by-chapter. Within each chapter is a first-hand personal account of mourning; answers to commonly asked questions concerning your day-to-day life while mourning; Dr. Stolzman's reassuring explanation of what you are feeling; and, a roadmap of practical Do's and Don'ts to guide you on your path to recovery.

Reviews:

"It is a fact of life for everyone that, at one time or another, we will lose someone close to us. We cannot bypass this experience nor can someone take the pain from us, but we can learn more through the author's personal story of how we can make this heart-wrenching journey a little less confusing and how we can come to terms with this reality of life...namely death.

Author Gloria Lintermans opens her heart and her story of the death of her husband Rick within this book, and it is the story of 24 months of healing she experienced, that brings to the reader, a new insight into losing a loved one and how to go on living without them. Though loosely based on the "stages of grief" by Elizabeth Kubler Ross, this book takes us in a new direction with grief. It explains through the author's personal experience, how there are five "time sequences of death" and how each of these fit within the timeframe of healing. Shock, Denial, Anger, Depression, and Integration-Adjustment-Transition are all addressed within this book with questions, suggestions and "do's and don'ts" within each sequence, well thought out and written in a manner that is easily read and understood. The simple, down-to-earth language and the experiences of the author, make this a book that reaches readers from all walks of life and a wide range of ages as well. From teens on up, this book could easily fill a need within many persons, needing help to deal with loss.

As I have gotten older, I have had to face the deaths of many close to me, as most my age have. Not having any idea of what was to come, I was often lost in a sea of my own grief, wishing someone would throw me a lifeline. I didn't have such a book as "The Healing Power of Grief," but I can see how it would have been exactly what I needed to get me through those confusing, grief-filled days. The honesty, the personal insight and the workbook included within this book, are amazing and exactly what is needed for many who are grieving. Not only does it address issues we may not realize were there, but "The Healing Power of Grief" helps the reader through the long process to growth and insight into our grief. It helps us see where we were and where we have come, and through this journey we see hope and comfort through the healing that eventually comes as time goes on. The mere writing of one's thoughts and feelings is not only a healing process but a way to remember our loss in a positive way. Through the simple process of writing, we can begin the long, solitary process of living without our loved one as well as living with our grief. I would sincerely recommend this book to anyone dealing with grief in their lives and wanting to learn how to grow through their grief. It is a wonderful book and one I intend to keep should that time again arise that I need the advice within its covers.

I would highly recommend "The Healing Power of Grief" to anyone who is experiencing the death of someone dear. It is a straightforward, simply-put book that puts into clear perspective, the time process of grief and how the heart can heal despite our loss. It is one I would not only use myself should the time arise, but one that I would readily purchase for a friend in need as well. It is a book that is worth reading and worth using as well."

"With insight and compassion, the authors lead readers through their grief and into a healed future of purpose and joy. For the bereaved, their family and friends who don't know where to turn, these are the pages to turn to."

"Great chapter; I love ‘Pennies From Heaven’! THE HEALING POWER OF GRIEF is a poignant reminder that our loved ones are with us - always!"

"The authors do a magnificent job of guiding the reader through grief, in both its emotional and pragmatic sense. This comprehensive book, which provides space for journaling one’s recovery, will undoubtedly be an enormous asset to the field of grief recover for years to come."

"As the CEO of a mortuary and memorial park many grief recovery books cross my desk each year. All too often these books contain essential information but the presentation is imposing and esoteric. The Healing Power of Grief is written in every day language and in an easy to understand format. The anecdotes are real life and relate to all who are in the successive stages of the grieving process. The workbook exercises are clear, helpful and direct the participant with meaningful topics. I would be proud to have this book in our library."

"My colleague and good friend is devastated. His 31-year-old son was knocked off his bicycle and killed on the weekend. Observing acute grief outside the professional setting makes me wonder whether we who work in oncology and palliative care tend to overlook how much grief and suffering our patients leave behind."

"This new self-help book is written by a professional writer (Lintermans) and a psychotherapist specializing in grief counselling (Stolzman). It is based on the twenty- four months of Lintermans’ own bereavement after her husband’s death, interpreted and explained by Stolzman. The point is made that ‘There is no way around grief…Real healing is a combination of time and educated grieving that truly allows you to embrace not only the continuation of your life but the joy that life offers.’ Based loosely on Kubler-Ross’ model, Shock/Denial/Anger/Depression/ and Integration-Adjustment-Transition are dealt with over a time frame of twenty-four months. It is full of useful lists of Do’s and Don’ts. There are also lists of questions the bereaved commonly ask themselves, complete with explanations and answers. There is also a 100-page workbook to help the bereaved work through their issues. I liked this book because I thought it was very down-to-earth, full of common sense and very practical."

"The Healing Power of Love is a companion book to The Healing Power of Grief. It is a collection of stories about new loving relationships after the death of a spouse or partner. Some of the stories write about the overlapping of grief and new loving. There is a chapter for each of the twelve couples, the story of their loss, their experience, or not, of attending a grief support group and the story of their new relationship and family reactions. Each chapter begins with a thought provoking quote e.g. Life without love is like a tree without blossoms or fruit (Kahlil Gibran, The Vision) and concludes with comments by the new couple and Reflections from Marilyn Stolzman.

As with The Healing Power of Grief, this book could be helpful for someone who has experienced the death of a partner/spouse and/or a grief counsellor and working with someone who is wondering about or experiencing a new love relationship. As one of the couples says, be careful not to avoid grief work by being distracted with a new relationship, you have to have healed enough to be able to become emotionally vulnerable again."

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Book Excerpts:

Table of Contents

Introduction